Refreshing Thoughts

A while ago, I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t feel God. She explained that though she was actively reading the Bible and devotionals, she didn’t feel God like she had previously when her heart was on fire for Him. When she said this, I felt absolute panic. I feared that she would fall away from faith if she could not find the reassuring feeling of God’s presence. The difficulties her family was facing were overwhelming in nature.

I came across this verse that reminded me of her:

“I go east, but He is not there.
I go west, but I cannot find Him.
I do not see Him in the north, for He is hidden.
I look to the south, but He is concealed. 
But He knows where I am going. 
And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.”
Job 23:8-10 NLT

These verses sound a lot like Job could not feel God either. Job was under insurmountable grief, physical pain, and financial stress. Maybe you can relate to feeling lost in the pressures and trials of life. The truth is, no matter how hard it is or how lost we feel, we are not lost to God. He knows exactly where we are and He knows exactly where He is taking us. We might not feel Him the way we have while on a mountain top high, but He is present in every detail of our life.

Later in the passage, it says that after God tested him, Job will come out as pure gold. The use of gold as the illustration in these verses is not by accident. Purifying gold comes from being put into the fire so that the impurities are burned out. God does allow us to go through our own fires of difficult times, and that is often hard to accept. God knows that our hearts, much like gold, are purified in those difficult times as we cling to Him and His word to guide and sustain us.

Difficult times have shown me more of who God is and where my impurities live. When my son went through the hardest parts of his health issues 2021-2022, it forced me to step away from chasing after a successful counseling career. During this sabbatical, I grew to know God more. It was painfully revealed to me that my chasing after a career was because I wanted worldly things more than I wanted to know and love God. I was trying to define myself as a successful business owner, not as one who was chosen by the Creator to do good works FOR Him. I was trying to prove my worth in this world rather than knowing my worth as God’s child bought by the blood of Christ. 

The refining fire of Liam’s health issues and loss of my career path was painful, and I felt very lost, but God knew exactly where I was and where He would take me. If it was not for that fire, I would not be writing now. I would not feel the way I do about God…and I certainly wouldn’t have the endurance I have now. And guess what, almost 4 years later, I own my own business AND have an identity deeply rooted in Him. My business is an extension of my work as chosen by Him, instead of my business owning being a limited definition of me.

God is my everything. He knows all, He sees all, and He has victory over all. I am FINALLY fully and completely surrendered to Him. None of this would have been true if it were not for the refining fire that I went through. Though, I will be brutally honest here, sometimes this is hard for me to accept. Especially right now while my family is in one of the most difficult seasons we have ever faced with anticipatory grief. Sometimes, I wonder why I have to go through hard times and often wish I could get the wisdom without the pain of the fire. 

The truth might be hard to accept: God is not looking for the comfort of our earthly situations. God is looking for the surrendering of our hearts. 

I ALSO KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE: The pain of my learning will never compare to the joy I will have when my grieving ends and I am with the God who loves me. 

One day my loved one will remember who I am and he will be fully restored in body to the point that he is able to run up to me and hug me. Together we will spend eternity thanking our God for all He has done. My loved one will get to rejoice with me in the beauty of what God did during this painful time in our family’s lives because even in this pain I see the beauty of God’s work in my husband and my husband’s brother. This joy of what is to come puts into perspective that this unbelievably difficult suffering is temporary, gone in the blink of an eye, and will be nothing compared to an eternity of perfection with our God.

I want to be clear here. It hurts, I cry often, and I still get mad, but I love and I trust my God is still doing good even though it feels so heavy and hard at times.

Though my friend is still navigating difficulties, I have seen her wisdom grow as she disciples others in God’s sustaining love. When talking about this time she said, “I had to feel the emptiness and silence. I had to rely on my trust in who He was/is. He alone kept me going. He asked me to abide and keep showing up, and I did…And I felt Him again. It taught me MY part in the stillness. It humbled me. It reminded me who I am vs who He is.” 

She is a testament to remaining grounded in God even when life seems to be a big dumpster fire. We might not feel God when times are hard, but He is right there with us in our dumpster fire. He ALWAYS knows where we are and He knows where we are going. He knows we are only in that dumpster temporarily so that the fire can burn away impurities in our heart.

So my questions are…What wisdom have you received from your own suffering? What have you used to define you that was not of God? Your suffering is not God’s end with you, it is only the beginning of where God is taking you. For His work within you will redefine you in ways that are more beautiful than you can imagine.

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*** Amanda, thank you. You know the depth of my thanks because no amount of eloquently put together words will ever come close to describing how thankful I am for you. I know your story will help so many others in their own times of not feeling God.

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I know, I know, a weird title for a first blog in over two months, but when I set out to do the blog I decided to be as authentic as possible. I promise this will not be a stinky post, other than sometimes life can really stink. A couple days ago was my birthday. All day I was asked, “What are you doing today?” And every time I would answer, “Praying for poop!” The look on peoples’ faces was hilarious, and if you know me, you know I love to insert inappropriate humor whenever possible. The truth is, my son has had some medical issues going on for some time. For like, his entire life. Not serious ones, but enough to just make this momma feel like she's going insane. The Pediatric GI has ordered a litany of tests that include blood work and VARIOUS types of stool samples. And true to Liam form, Liam decided to go on a bathroom strike for several days.

So yes, despite it being my birthday, this momma was praying for poop.

But this is real life. Anyone who has traveled a medical journey knows this truth: Life does not stop even when yours has been turned upside down. In fact, life doesn’t stop or slow down when obstacles are thrown your way. Not for medical situations. Not for difficult life circumstances. And not even for grief. Even though we might have been shaken to our core, our world uprooted, the rest of the world continues on as if nothing has happened. I find that this is one of the most difficult parts about a season of suffering. We still have to pay bills. We still have to go to work. We still have to care for our family. We still have to fill out long and tedious forms. And we still have to do laundry.

My family is in a season of suffering. To be real, we have been in one for a while. We just seem to have the worst luck whether it is cars, home appliances/repairs, health, or dogs. These hits have been tiny though compared to the pain of anticipatory grief. I haven’t written in a couple of months because of our grief. It is not appropriate for me to share at this time because this grief journey is not mine alone, and I love my family enough to give them the privacy they deserve. (My son is not why we are experiencing grief.)

I have read and listened to a lot about the experience of suffering and the theology of suffering; both before this season and now, while in this season. I have seen the following scripture quoted often in reference to suffering:

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” (Romans 5:3-5, NLT)

Sometimes scripture can just hit hard. I don’t just mean hard in the revealing of things that need to be confessed and submitted to God. I mean hard in the fact that sometimes, I kinda want to scream “NO!” and this is ok. Our God knows us and loves us and there is nothing we can do or will do that will cause our God to reject us. Even when we have negative thoughts about scripture and what God is doing with our lives.

You see, when I read this, I get upset. In my human weakness, I want to tell God that I don’t want endurance. I don’t want to suffer. And if I am extra real and raw with y’all, I am angry with God that we are suffering. I feel like my family has endured enough. Why God? Why are you allowing this to happen? Why can’t we have a miracle? And even more so, God why are we getting hit with all these different things while we are already going through the pain of grief? Like, can’t you see we have had enough?

Of course there is a lot out there on the theology of suffering and why God allows suffering to happen, but this blog post is not about that. Instead, this blog post is for those who might be in a season of suffering or have endured one. First of all…

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be sad. And it is ok to say it ALL out loud to God because, frankly, He already knows.

“O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!” (Psalms 139:1-6, NLT)

The sequence of these verses is beautiful because it starts with the fact that God has examined our hearts. He already knows when we are mad. He already knows when we are doubting. God knows EVERYTHING about us. The scripture continues on with the fact that God goes before us, follows us, and places a hand of blessing on us! God knows all the negative things that we think about life and faith and even Him, and yet He stays with us and continues to bless us regardless. Wow! It truly is too great for me to understand. Who else in our life can hear all of the negative and despicable thoughts we might have (and even worse, might have about them) and yet will stick around and find ways to bless us? This brings me to my next point.

Even amidst suffering we have to keep our eyes open for the blessings God is giving us. Do not let the sadness and anger of the season stop you from seeing what God is still doing.

I think another hard part about being in the thick of suffering is being able to open yourself up to seeing good. Sometimes, I just want to sit in the stink of it all and pout. I have always been a positive person, one who always smiles and laughs and has a ridiculous amount of energizer bunny energy, but lately it seems like things are too heavy. My smile often feels forced. In fact, I have withdrawn from others because I don’t have much positive to say and I do not want to be a Debbie Downer. I have avoided dinners with friends and mom hangouts because I feel a lot like the Pout Pout Fish, and I don’t want to spread my “dreary wearies,” all over the place. So, I pulled back.

But isolation is a ploy of the devil. He wants us alone. He wants us isolated. He wants us unable to see that our God is with us, goes before us, and lays a hand of blessing upon us; even while we are suffering. The devil is a liar, a thief of joy, BUT that which he wants to use for destruction, our God will use to bring about HIS purpose.

Our God blesses us, even when we are suffering. Blessings like an unexpected meal from a friend. A text that lets you know that someone is praying. It is a school and community who supports your family during your journey. An encouraging letter in the mail. Grace from a friend when you put your foot in your mouth. Men who come to help repair your home. A phone call. An unexpected financial blessing right before major expenses pop up. A vet who will do a surgery for half the cost. A good discussion with Christian women. Grace from people when you just can’t remember things or think straight. A funny meme sent with love. Friends who will pick up your kid from school so you can focus on the other kid’s health needs. A conversation on a patio that allows you to be raw and real with your feelings. A new friendship blooming at exactly the right time.  Grace from friends when you don’t have energy to meet up. A plane ticket. A random present. A new baby (not mine, lol). Unknown prayers being lifted up. A husband’s hug. Your kids' giggles. A daughter’s growth in confidence and kindness. A son’s snuggles. And daily sunrises to praise God for with my babies. These are the bursts of wind in our sails that keep us afloat. God’s blessings.

“At the moment I have all I need–and more! I am generously supplied with the gifts you sent me with Epaphroditus. They are a sweet-smelling sacrifice that is acceptable and pleasing to God. And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Now all glory to God our Father forever and ever! Amen.” (Philippians 4:18-20, NLT)

I might be struggling to rejoice in my current season of suffering (frankly, I wish it could just stop), but I do rejoice in knowing that God will not leave me in my suffering. Endurance of past suffering has shown me that God does grow beautiful things from the ashes of pain. I know that He will be faithful to do the same, even now. I usually end my blogs with questions to reflect on, but I know that if you are going through suffering, you have plenty of questions already circulating in your head. So, I will leave you with the beginning of Romans 5:

“Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.” (Romans 5:1,2)

May you find peace knowing that because of what Jesus did on the cross, one day we will be in heaven, with our God, where no tears will fall, no pain will be endured, and there will be no more sickness or death.