Refreshing Thoughts

A while ago, I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t feel God. She explained that though she was actively reading the Bible and devotionals, she didn’t feel God like she had previously when her heart was on fire for Him. When she said this, I felt absolute panic. I feared that she would fall away from faith if she could not find the reassuring feeling of God’s presence. The difficulties her family was facing were overwhelming in nature.

I came across this verse that reminded me of her:

“I go east, but He is not there.
I go west, but I cannot find Him.
I do not see Him in the north, for He is hidden.
I look to the south, but He is concealed. 
But He knows where I am going. 
And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.”
Job 23:8-10 NLT

These verses sound a lot like Job could not feel God either. Job was under insurmountable grief, physical pain, and financial stress. Maybe you can relate to feeling lost in the pressures and trials of life. The truth is, no matter how hard it is or how lost we feel, we are not lost to God. He knows exactly where we are and He knows exactly where He is taking us. We might not feel Him the way we have while on a mountain top high, but He is present in every detail of our life.

Later in the passage, it says that after God tested him, Job will come out as pure gold. The use of gold as the illustration in these verses is not by accident. Purifying gold comes from being put into the fire so that the impurities are burned out. God does allow us to go through our own fires of difficult times, and that is often hard to accept. God knows that our hearts, much like gold, are purified in those difficult times as we cling to Him and His word to guide and sustain us.

Difficult times have shown me more of who God is and where my impurities live. When my son went through the hardest parts of his health issues 2021-2022, it forced me to step away from chasing after a successful counseling career. During this sabbatical, I grew to know God more. It was painfully revealed to me that my chasing after a career was because I wanted worldly things more than I wanted to know and love God. I was trying to define myself as a successful business owner, not as one who was chosen by the Creator to do good works FOR Him. I was trying to prove my worth in this world rather than knowing my worth as God’s child bought by the blood of Christ. 

The refining fire of Liam’s health issues and loss of my career path was painful, and I felt very lost, but God knew exactly where I was and where He would take me. If it was not for that fire, I would not be writing now. I would not feel the way I do about God…and I certainly wouldn’t have the endurance I have now. And guess what, almost 4 years later, I own my own business AND have an identity deeply rooted in Him. My business is an extension of my work as chosen by Him, instead of my business owning being a limited definition of me.

God is my everything. He knows all, He sees all, and He has victory over all. I am FINALLY fully and completely surrendered to Him. None of this would have been true if it were not for the refining fire that I went through. Though, I will be brutally honest here, sometimes this is hard for me to accept. Especially right now while my family is in one of the most difficult seasons we have ever faced with anticipatory grief. Sometimes, I wonder why I have to go through hard times and often wish I could get the wisdom without the pain of the fire. 

The truth might be hard to accept: God is not looking for the comfort of our earthly situations. God is looking for the surrendering of our hearts. 

I ALSO KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE: The pain of my learning will never compare to the joy I will have when my grieving ends and I am with the God who loves me. 

One day my loved one will remember who I am and he will be fully restored in body to the point that he is able to run up to me and hug me. Together we will spend eternity thanking our God for all He has done. My loved one will get to rejoice with me in the beauty of what God did during this painful time in our family’s lives because even in this pain I see the beauty of God’s work in my husband and my husband’s brother. This joy of what is to come puts into perspective that this unbelievably difficult suffering is temporary, gone in the blink of an eye, and will be nothing compared to an eternity of perfection with our God.

I want to be clear here. It hurts, I cry often, and I still get mad, but I love and I trust my God is still doing good even though it feels so heavy and hard at times.

Though my friend is still navigating difficulties, I have seen her wisdom grow as she disciples others in God’s sustaining love. When talking about this time she said, “I had to feel the emptiness and silence. I had to rely on my trust in who He was/is. He alone kept me going. He asked me to abide and keep showing up, and I did…And I felt Him again. It taught me MY part in the stillness. It humbled me. It reminded me who I am vs who He is.” 

She is a testament to remaining grounded in God even when life seems to be a big dumpster fire. We might not feel God when times are hard, but He is right there with us in our dumpster fire. He ALWAYS knows where we are and He knows where we are going. He knows we are only in that dumpster temporarily so that the fire can burn away impurities in our heart.

So my questions are…What wisdom have you received from your own suffering? What have you used to define you that was not of God? Your suffering is not God’s end with you, it is only the beginning of where God is taking you. For His work within you will redefine you in ways that are more beautiful than you can imagine.

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*** Amanda, thank you. You know the depth of my thanks because no amount of eloquently put together words will ever come close to describing how thankful I am for you. I know your story will help so many others in their own times of not feeling God.

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