Refreshing Thoughts

A while ago, I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t feel God. She explained that though she was actively reading the Bible and devotionals, she didn’t feel God like she had previously when her heart was on fire for Him. When she said this, I felt absolute panic. I feared that she would fall away from faith if she could not find the reassuring feeling of God’s presence. The difficulties her family was facing were overwhelming in nature.

I came across this verse that reminded me of her:

“I go east, but He is not there.
I go west, but I cannot find Him.
I do not see Him in the north, for He is hidden.
I look to the south, but He is concealed. 
But He knows where I am going. 
And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.”
Job 23:8-10 NLT

These verses sound a lot like Job could not feel God either. Job was under insurmountable grief, physical pain, and financial stress. Maybe you can relate to feeling lost in the pressures and trials of life. The truth is, no matter how hard it is or how lost we feel, we are not lost to God. He knows exactly where we are and He knows exactly where He is taking us. We might not feel Him the way we have while on a mountain top high, but He is present in every detail of our life.

Later in the passage, it says that after God tested him, Job will come out as pure gold. The use of gold as the illustration in these verses is not by accident. Purifying gold comes from being put into the fire so that the impurities are burned out. God does allow us to go through our own fires of difficult times, and that is often hard to accept. God knows that our hearts, much like gold, are purified in those difficult times as we cling to Him and His word to guide and sustain us.

Difficult times have shown me more of who God is and where my impurities live. When my son went through the hardest parts of his health issues 2021-2022, it forced me to step away from chasing after a successful counseling career. During this sabbatical, I grew to know God more. It was painfully revealed to me that my chasing after a career was because I wanted worldly things more than I wanted to know and love God. I was trying to define myself as a successful business owner, not as one who was chosen by the Creator to do good works FOR Him. I was trying to prove my worth in this world rather than knowing my worth as God’s child bought by the blood of Christ. 

The refining fire of Liam’s health issues and loss of my career path was painful, and I felt very lost, but God knew exactly where I was and where He would take me. If it was not for that fire, I would not be writing now. I would not feel the way I do about God…and I certainly wouldn’t have the endurance I have now. And guess what, almost 4 years later, I own my own business AND have an identity deeply rooted in Him. My business is an extension of my work as chosen by Him, instead of my business owning being a limited definition of me.

God is my everything. He knows all, He sees all, and He has victory over all. I am FINALLY fully and completely surrendered to Him. None of this would have been true if it were not for the refining fire that I went through. Though, I will be brutally honest here, sometimes this is hard for me to accept. Especially right now while my family is in one of the most difficult seasons we have ever faced with anticipatory grief. Sometimes, I wonder why I have to go through hard times and often wish I could get the wisdom without the pain of the fire. 

The truth might be hard to accept: God is not looking for the comfort of our earthly situations. God is looking for the surrendering of our hearts. 

I ALSO KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE: The pain of my learning will never compare to the joy I will have when my grieving ends and I am with the God who loves me. 

One day my loved one will remember who I am and he will be fully restored in body to the point that he is able to run up to me and hug me. Together we will spend eternity thanking our God for all He has done. My loved one will get to rejoice with me in the beauty of what God did during this painful time in our family’s lives because even in this pain I see the beauty of God’s work in my husband and my husband’s brother. This joy of what is to come puts into perspective that this unbelievably difficult suffering is temporary, gone in the blink of an eye, and will be nothing compared to an eternity of perfection with our God.

I want to be clear here. It hurts, I cry often, and I still get mad, but I love and I trust my God is still doing good even though it feels so heavy and hard at times.

Though my friend is still navigating difficulties, I have seen her wisdom grow as she disciples others in God’s sustaining love. When talking about this time she said, “I had to feel the emptiness and silence. I had to rely on my trust in who He was/is. He alone kept me going. He asked me to abide and keep showing up, and I did…And I felt Him again. It taught me MY part in the stillness. It humbled me. It reminded me who I am vs who He is.” 

She is a testament to remaining grounded in God even when life seems to be a big dumpster fire. We might not feel God when times are hard, but He is right there with us in our dumpster fire. He ALWAYS knows where we are and He knows where we are going. He knows we are only in that dumpster temporarily so that the fire can burn away impurities in our heart.

So my questions are…What wisdom have you received from your own suffering? What have you used to define you that was not of God? Your suffering is not God’s end with you, it is only the beginning of where God is taking you. For His work within you will redefine you in ways that are more beautiful than you can imagine.

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*** Amanda, thank you. You know the depth of my thanks because no amount of eloquently put together words will ever come close to describing how thankful I am for you. I know your story will help so many others in their own times of not feeling God.

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I wish you could see my room, but since you can’t, I will describe it. On the right side of my bed is a pile of dirty clothes (ok, full disclosure it is not a pile because piles can still look organized, it is an explosion of dirty clothes all over the floor that don’t even have the decency to be placed in a pile). I call it the doomsday pile. On my left side is the laundry baskets of clean clothes that have given up hope of ever being folded and put away before being worn again. Honestly, I did not forget to fold these clothes as they are strategically placed in the middle of my floor where I have to walk around them upon entering and exiting my room, as well as, walk around them every time I have to go into my bathroom. Yes, I walk around these clothes and actively choose to not fold them which is why I have the doomsday explosion of dirty clothes on the other side of my bed. You know…because the dirty clothes’ laundry baskets are currently being occupied by the clean clothes.

The disaster does not end there, my friends. Just beyond the doomsday clothes are the mountains of good intentions gone bad. I am ADHD, and my particular flavor of neurodivergence comes with the proclivity for impulsive desires to be super duper organized and minimalistic. But ask anyone who has had one conversation with me, I am not minimalistic in any way shape or form. But, I fight against the grain of how God made me because minimalism gives me peace…speaking of ADHD, where was I in my story? Oh yeah, the mountains of good intentions gone bad.. 

I decided one fateful day that I would purge and organize and (why not) simultaneously paint every room and closet in the upstairs level of my house. I went out, and much to my husband’s chagrin, bought tons of plastic bins and painting supplies. I effectively painted the walls, floorboards, and ceiling as well as hyper focus organized my linen closet, hallway, guest bathroom, and office in a span of three days. BUT, this was at detriment to my bedroom because where did everything go from my purging and organizing??? To a mountain of bins, pillows, decor, and every other random thing I tossed in order to forge the mountain peaks of “good intentions gone bad.”

Y’all, that was in July…and it is now March.

When I look at my stuff everywhere, I am reminded of how much I struggle with my clutter or my projects that are unfinished, and let me tell you…it doesn’t end in my room. My garage is a health hazard, but we won’t go down that ADHD wormhole. When I say I struggle, I mean I internally struggle with the fact that I don’t always finish my tasks or that my house can look like a condemned dump. I see other women who have clean houses and are minimalistic. I see women who have 6 kids instead of just two and they are always put together, their kids are dressed to the nines, and they never forget a nap mat, a snack, or their kids backpack at home. I see working women not only work their butts off all day, but also raise kids, and fold and put away their laundry within an acceptable time frame.

Meanwhile, I trip over my mountain of good intentions as I try to jump over my doomsday pile and sprint past my basket of clean clothes so that I can get the kids to school on time just to realize I forgot the dang nap mat at home. See, I don’t have time to fold clothes because I constantly have to drive to and from the kids’ school delivering the various items I forget.

It just feels like when I look around, I see how everyone is doing life better than me.

Maybe you can relate? Do you feel as though many have it better than you? Maybe a nicer house? A better marriage? They have the better career or they always get the promotion. Maybe they get to go on vacations and rock their awesome new clothes that you wish you could pull off. Or maybe you think they can parent better than you? Or everyone seems to like that one person where you struggle to connect? Does everyone around you seem funnier, skinnier, prettier, happier, and just overall have a better life?

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)

I like what this verse says: rots the bones. My nerdy side geeks out over how beautiful this is. Inside of our bones is our bone marrow which is responsible for making all of our red blood cells. Red blood cells are responsible for carrying oxygen all throughout our body. If our marrow is rotten, then every other part of our body becomes rotten because they don’t receive the oxygen they need to survive. Bone marrow also makes our immune cells. If our bone marrow is rotten, then we are unable to fight off infection and will die. If we are not giving our body the nutrients it needs(scripture, worship, Godly community, etc.), the infection of this world's distractions will destroy us. According to scripture:

Envy is not compatible with life.

And it makes sense when you think about it. When we compare ourselves to others we become distracted with feelings of unworthiness. When we compare ourselves to others we might start to chase after the things of this world rather than the things God wants for us. When we compare ourselves to others we lose sight of what God is doing in us and with us. And in the world we live in today, with social media, smartphones, and consumer overconsumption at an all time high, comparison is a very easy trap to fall into.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

The enemy does not want us to feel worthy enough to be used by God for a great purpose. The enemy uses the tricks of comparison and envy to make us feel less than and not important enough to be used by God in big ways. Let me tell you that it is a lie. God chose you and knit you together exactly the way you are for the specific purposes He has set out for you. EVERY SINGLE PART OF YOU! God does not waste any part of you, even the parts of you that may not measure up, God can and will use. Because where the enemy wants me to focus on my doomsday dirty clothes, my mountains of good intentions gone bad, or my baskets of wrinkled clean clothes to feel shameful and less than, my God says, “And I will even use your cluttered house and ADHD brain to bring glory to My Name!”

So my questions are…Are there places and spaces in your life in which the enemy is trying to make you feel less than and unworthy? Has envy stolen your joy and focus on God? Don’t let the enemy come and distract you from the beautiful work that God is doing inside of you and with your life in this exact moment. No upgrades necessary. God will use you exactly as you are, today.

***Since writing this post, my laundry did in fact get folded and put away. It has been replaced with new laundry that is hopeful for the same fate (my husband has the same hope as well). My mountain is gone and the garage has been purged, but now only 1/3 of my downstairs has been painted a new color. And by 1/3, I mean around the windows and only two FULLY PAINTED walls in two totally different rooms because...you know...ADHD! Hope my disastrous home adventures make you smile and feel a bit good about your own circumstances!