Acceptance. Belonging. It is crazy to reflect on how many decisions in my life have been motivated by these two things. Living a life where decisions and actions are motivated by acceptance is exhausting. It is not sustainable to compromise who you are in order to belong. Doing things for the approval of others distracts us from our God and the purpose He has for us. And yet, it is very easy to fall into this trap.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (NLT)

Let’s be real, it is not like I wake up thinking, “Hmmmm I am going to make all the right decisions so that Allie will accept me into her friend group.” I definitely do not sign up to volunteer with the thought of, “Oh gosh, now Liam will see how amazing I am at cutting paper for the class project and THEN he will want to be my friend.” No, it is much more subtle than that, and often the reasons behind actions are hidden. But, there in the depths of our heart are these deep desires to belong and fears of not being accepted. It is those things that threaten to hurt us, that trigger us to copy the behaviors and patterns of the world.

When I was in seventh grade, I was friends with all the girls who did sports. We spent a lot of time together at daily practices, games, and hung out together on weekends. We were really close. One day, a girl that was a part of this sporty group invited all the girls to get ready at her house before an upcoming dance. Well, all the girls except me. I could not figure out what I had done for her to not want me there. I had been rejected, and for reasons unknown.

The same regions of the brain that are activated by physical pain are also activated by social distress.* 

It literally hurts to be socially rejected. I never wanted to experience the pain of rejection again, and therefore I made decisions to avoid this pain. I tried to dress perfectly for school and always say the “right” thing. If everyone liked one type of music, I would too. If everyone was playing basketball, I would too. If everyone talked bad about someone or decided not to be friends with someone, I would join in too. I was so terrified of not being accepted, it dictated what I wore, what I said, what I did, and who I was friends with. I was copying the behaviors and patterns of the world rather than allowing God to transform me into who I was supposed to be.

“In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” Romans 12:6-8 (NLT)

I was so focused on social approval that I kept on pushing myself in things that I was not talented in, like basketball. Y’all, I am not coordinated. If there was an Olympic sport for the clumsy and unlucky, I would be the undefeated Simone Biles of it. There are not enough agility drills in the world to make me coordinated. Yet, I thought that if I was a first string basketball player, I would always belong to a group. So every single game, I hoped for the opportunity to play and prove myself worthy of first string. I would literally position myself on the bench so that the coach would see me, put me in the game, and then be blown away by my athletic prowess. What was I thinking? Obviously it did not happen so games were not fun, practices were not fun, and in fact, nothing in basketball was fun for me.

When I look back, it is laughable how ridiculous I was. The truth is, I don’t like playing basketball. (GASP!) I was so focussed on basketball being the route of my social acceptance that I didn’t leave room for me to realize my disdain for dribbling and shooting a ball while sweaty humans try to steal it from me. All those hours of practice were wasted on something that I did not enjoy, and something that I absolutely was horrendous at. I wasted all those hours on something motivated by the acceptance of others rather than focussing on my own unique talents and abilities that God created me with. 

When you focus on God and on what He calls you to do, you discover who you are at a very intimate level. 

You find out what your talents and gifts are. You become confident in who you are because your identity is not built on something that can fail or change, but instead it is built on the Creator of the world who specifically knit you together with the EXACT talents you need to do the purposes for which He created you for. 

When you are in step with God you are able to step out BOLDLY into who God called you to be. 

I was never going to be a good basketball player, and all the anxiety of wanting to be first string made me miss a huge talent of mine. On that bench, if I had been fully present with the game and not in the worries of my head, I would have discovered that I truly enjoyed cheering for and encouraging others. In fact, that encouragement of others is why I finally pursued a career in counseling. Also, I would have realized years ago that God has given me a talent for writing. With my eyes on God alone, I would not have feared rejection of others, but instead flourished in encouraging others through my writing.

My daughter struggled a few months ago with some anxiety about social acceptance. On the way to school one day she said, “I don’t think people like me. I think they all just pretend to like me.” It floored me to hear such a beautiful human say such defeating things about themselves. She is kind, loving, caring, and uplifting of all her friends. How could she possibly think that she is not liked? It triggered me because I did not want her to struggle with the same anxieties that I have had to fight. I truly think my response was the Spirit speaking through me:

“That is the enemy speaking to you. You are a good person created to do big things. You see when others are hurting and you care for them. The devil does not want this, he does not want you in the game. He does not want you to help others and point them to God. So those are his lies he is whispering to you. You were created for a purpose by God, a purpose that is bigger than those lies.”

This is one of those moments where I wish you and I were sitting on my couch together. Again (as I have mentioned in a previous blog), a dog would probably be violating your personal space and your cute outfit would be getting some extra fur flare. Yet, I could look you in the eye and tell you:

You were knit together by God with everything you need. You lack nothing. Psalms 139:13,14

Your God has chosen talents and gifts specific to you. You are His masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10

Your God has a purpose for your life. That purpose is pleasing and perfect. Psalms 138:8, Romans 12:2

The enemy does not want you in the game, but you can fight back with the truth of who God is and how He does not make mistakes. You are a divine creation set apart for good, and not a mistake. Psalms 18:30, Romans 8:28

You are a part of a body of believers. You are not alone. 1 Corinthians 12:12-27

Every now and then I feel the pull of that pain from years ago. Something will happen, and I will fear rejection. But now, I am able to fight back those negative thoughts and remind myself of who I am, and to Whom I belong. I often verbally remind myself when I feel the anxiety of acceptance creeping in, “Keep your eyes on God.”

So then, what decisions or actions are you making based on your deep rooted fears and hurts? Do you truly know how precious you are in the eyes of the Creator?

*Eisenberger, N. (2012). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosom Med, 74(2), 126–135. doi: 10.1097/PSY.0b013e3182464dd1