It is a very strange thing to try and write about something you are passionate about. It is not easy to find the right words to accurately communicate what is on your heart. Ever since I decided to be a writer, I wanted to write about freedom from guilt.

You see, for years I was trapped in a life burdened by guilt. It affected my relationships, my confidence, and even my parenting. I believed that I was forgiven, but I wouldn’t release the residual guilt for my past sins. In fact, that guilt pushed me to pursue future perfection. When you don’t let go of the guilt of the past, your future choices are muddied by attempts to redeem your past mistakes. But this is not the narrative of God’s grace.

The moment we invite Jesus into our lives, we invite the power of forgiveness into every aspect of our life. There is not a corner of our life that forgiveness does not touch. When we don’t accept this, we live a life burdened by the guilt of our sin. This is opposite from the life God designed for us to live. Living in the guilt of our past mistakes diminishes the freedom given to us because of Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross.

I grew up knowing the story of the cross. For most of my life, I didn’t understand that there is a difference between “head knowledge” of the cross versus intimately experiencing the depth of what the cross means. I have a bit of a colorful, prodigal past. I didn’t need a colorful coat like Joseph because my youth was spent coloring with every crayon in the box. Yet, God chose to redeem me despite my many egregious sins. God was not only merciful in forgiving me, but His mercy included blessing me with both my husband and children. I understood that this was mercy, but I didn’t understand what it all truly meant.

My “head knowledge” of Jesus’s work on the cross did not translate into an intimate experience of what freedom in Christ means.

I lived a life burdened by the guilt of my sin because I did not understand God’s version of forgiveness. I filtered my understanding of God’s forgiveness through the lens of my human experience of forgiveness. Because of this, I lived a life where I was constantly scrambling to try and prove that I was worthy of being saved from my past prodigal life. I did not understand that at the core of grace is the fact that it is FREE; a gift from God. Instead, I believed that I had to sacrifice enough, serve enough, do enough to prove that I was worthy enough for the forgiveness that was given. Not understanding God’s version of forgiveness causes us to exhaust ourselves living a life burdened by guilt.

“He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalms 103:3-5 (NLT)

All the actions in these verses are God’s actions, not ours. It is God who forgives. It is God who heals. It is God who redeems from death. It is God who gives out good things. It is God who renews. Nowhere in these verses does it mention that God’s actions are dependent on what we do. We are not big enough or strong enough to dictate the actions of our God. Despite all my years of studying the Bible, I missed the foundational fact that I was worthy of being saved not because I was “Christian enough to be saved”, but because the Creator of the universe chose to love me, and because of this love He chose to forgive me even while I was still a prodigal sinner. 

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For His unfailing love towards those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” Psalms 103:8-12 (NLT)

God chooses to forgive us because of who He is, not because of who we are. 

God is compassionate and merciful. Where we are quick to get angry and lose love, God is slow to anger and His love never fails. He does not hold our sins against us like we often do to each other. His forgiveness is above human understanding because unlike us, He separates us from our sins. We cannot think of God’s forgiveness in terms of human forgiveness; our forgiveness falls short where His forgiveness covers all.

“The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust.” Psalms 10:13,14 (NLT)

We do not need to live a life muddied by the guilt of our past. We do not need to live a life painstakingly pursuing perfection either. God knows who we are, and in this knowledge God knows that we are weak. God is tender and compassionate towards us and our weakness. We don’t have to fear mistakes because God’s grace covers not only the sins of our past, but also the sins of our future.

There is nothing we have done or will do in the future that Jesus didn’t already bleed and die for on the cross.*

Guilt is a thief of the joyful life Jesus calls us to live because of His death on the cross and subsequent resurrection. When Jesus conquered death, He also conquered the guilt that weighs us down. Living a life understanding this truth gives us freedom. It is a freedom that is indescribable! The moment I understood the gravity of His grace, I wanted to shout it from a mountain (or a blog, lol). You see, I no longer fear my mistakes. I am going to forget things. I am going to have bad parenting moments. I am going to fail my friends and family. I am going to overstep boundaries. I will struggle with grudges. I will make mistakes in my marriage. I will misread situations. I will misspeak. I will do all of this and so much more, and yet God’s grace is sufficient enough to cover it all without action from me. If the Creator of the universe forgives me, then I think I should forgive myself too.

So, my question for you is, what is your own guilt motivating you to do? Are you intimately experiencing what grace truly means?

*I heard a phrase like this during a lecture at Bible Study Fellowship by Sarah Powell. She said this around the Easter season, and I could not stop thinking about the torture Jesus endured for my sins to be forgiven. Jesus’s pain and death paid the price for our sins, picking up guilt for our sins is like saying that it wasn’t enough. Instead, Jesus is calling us to trust in Him, and trust that because of His love for us, our sins are completely forgiven.